THRILLER HELLPHIA

Rusty!  I have important words of wisdom before your voyage. As of 1.5 yrs ago, all the “young people” were hanging out in Fishtown, which, ew, right?! I just went to (relatively) expensive places and god propositioned by like 9th-tier finance guys. Usually I wouldn’t normally, but its a dream so…

There’s this one guy who makes all these kind of terrible theme restaurants except they’re not supposed to be theme restaurants like RAINFOREST CAFE FREE RAFT RIDE, but I couldn’t tell you what distinguishes them. I recommend going to them all, good for meeting hot trixie-equivalents. I was at one of them with my favorite person when she became my favorite person. She’s like this tiny little blond who looks like I don’t even know and ACTUALLY wears Juicy velour sweatsuits. And this guy was all hey, where’s your fiance and she was all I don’t have a fiance and he was all why do you have a ring on and she said I think ALL MY FINGERS BELONG TO ME. She’s like a 2nd wave feminist mole from the past! In gross philly theme-bars! They made her in 1974 and she only self-activated recently? I have 16 more awesome and funnier stories to tell you about her, but only in secret.

Anyway, my point is go to all these theme bars. Also Rittenhouse Terminal Market is no fucking joke. Also, go watch court proceedings? And get a cheap massage at the massage school? Uh, get some socks at H&M. Go see Stepbrothers and curse out the kids throwing chips at you. Oh, there are crazy street people like WOAH no matter how unsketchy the neighborhood seems, some guy’s gonna be there bleeding from his ears.

-Vi

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